Let me say for the record, I DO NOT LIKE BIRDS. They are gross, I do not find them cute, and their chirping is like nails on a chalk board to me. So, it's no surprise that birds have launched an all out assault on me and my house.
It started earlier this summer with a little bird poo here, a little bird poo there. Now it's as if they've cased my patio, finding out where I like to sit, and poo exclusively on my chaise lounge, which is pretty much the only place to sit on my patio. They also once targeted my garbage can because, of course, the chair wasn't enough. They're sneaky little bastards. It's not like it happens once a week. It happens every single day. I clean it, they poo again. I even put a towel down one night, because I was too lazy to clean it, and the next day they pooed on the towel.
Then, I was in my basement doing laundry, minding my own business, when I hear little scratches and a chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp....a bird was in the exhaust pipe from my hot water heater to my chimney. This happened once before, and I didn't take it personally, but now I do. I'm not into killing animals, but there's really no way to get the stupid bird out without letting it loose in my basement, so this intruder sealed his fate when he entered my premises uninvited. So the only option is to crank up the hot water and the exhaust kills the bird. He's still sitting dead in the pipe waiting for my dad to return from his 900th vacation this summer. It doesn't stink at all, so I think it may have totally evaporated.
I was telling one of my friends that I didn't even want to talk about birds (not like we were) and he told me a story much worse than my own. Two almost hatched bird eggs fell on his car, so he had two dead fetus birds on his car sitting in the sun roasting. He said the smell was absolutely disgusting. Isn't that one of the grossest stories ever? Ugh!
I think the birds know I'm talking about them, because I Tweeted about the bird poo and the attacks seem to have intensified since then. As I was getting ready to pull out of the garage the other day, I turned my head to look behind me and there it was. One of their bravest soldiers sitting on the window sill of my car. Right there three feet away from me, ready to attack, as his leaders had sent him to do. I let out a scream and he flew away (not very well trained, huh!). As it turns out, I was never in any real danger because my window wasn't even open.
The last kick in the shorts happened when I was riding with my mom in her car. I'm playing DJ (because I have control issues) and I'm skipping around with her CD's when all of a sudden I hear chirping. I started looking around to find the bird stalker that had followed me into the car when my mom asked what I was doing. I told her there was a bird in her car and she laughed and told me that she had a CD of birds. Chirping. WTF. 1) Who sells that, 2) who (other than my crazy mom) buys that?
I feel like Elmer Fudd with Bugs Bunny.