We had a little incident this morning. Trying desperately to be on time, as we're running out the door, I tried to close the door to my house and it wouldn't shut. My son probably heard more swear words this morning (and he's heard ALOT) than he's ever heard before. The door WOULD NOT close, WTF. What's a single homeowner to do at 8AM? Call in reinforcements? No can do, every one's going to work. Pay someone, probably not. I will try it fix it myself!
Went to work for a bit, then came home. Opened the windows, turned on the iPod and got to work. Oh, snap, I need some sort of anchor for the screw. Go to the hardware store, get said anchor, it costs a whoping $0.09. I can't even leave the hardware store without spending more money, so I find some door knobs that will work perfectly for other doors. Stop at liquor store (open at 10AM?) to get some beer...working on the house and drinking beer go hand in hand, as I have learned from my dad.
Should be all set. First objective, remove the old door knob and dead bolt. Check. Read instructions for new set. WTF. Who do they write these instructions for? People who know what they're doing, that's who. I'm going to have to wing it. I get going, door knob, check. Dead bolt, not check. This is impossible. Totally impossible. Keep trying, keep trying, 1 1/2 hours later. Done, Done, Done!!!!!! Jump for joy!!!! Go to leave....the door won't shut. WTF, WTF, WTF!!!!!!!!!!!
Turns out, it's not the door, but the door frame that's the problem. I call it the "catch". Oh, well, at least I have a new dead bolt.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
It Runs in the Family
My poor little baby, on his first day of 1st Grade, fell off of his seat in the lunchroom.
When asked why he fell (I assume heat exhaustion because it's easily 190 degrees in his school), "I thought there was a back on the chair".
Poor little boy!
When asked why he fell (I assume heat exhaustion because it's easily 190 degrees in his school), "I thought there was a back on the chair".
Poor little boy!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
NEW Injuries to Report!!
While I haven't had any major accidents in a while (knock on pavement), I have had a few stupid minor injuries:
1) My parents have a new bowl sink in their small downstairs bathroom. When I bent down to pull up my pants, I hit my head on the marble sink. I am officially an idiot.
2) Hit my head on the car getting in. Bugs are harder to get in than they look.
3) Last night, while doing the dishes (well, only half of the dishes--I'm too lazy to really complete the whole task), I sliced my thumb when I was cleaning my pizza cutter. I am officially an idiot, I should no longer be allowed to do dishes :).
That's it for now, however, tonight, I'll be planting some plants and picking pears. There's sure to be a story there!!
1) My parents have a new bowl sink in their small downstairs bathroom. When I bent down to pull up my pants, I hit my head on the marble sink. I am officially an idiot.
2) Hit my head on the car getting in. Bugs are harder to get in than they look.
3) Last night, while doing the dishes (well, only half of the dishes--I'm too lazy to really complete the whole task), I sliced my thumb when I was cleaning my pizza cutter. I am officially an idiot, I should no longer be allowed to do dishes :).
That's it for now, however, tonight, I'll be planting some plants and picking pears. There's sure to be a story there!!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Uneventful day at the amusement park
I took my son to Adventureland on Friday. I heard some funny things such as: "...and David thinks that because it's mini-golf, you can just hit the ball until it goes in....and then I was like 'don't think we're on a date, it's just mini-golf!'" I saw the police get called in because someone allegedly punched someone who cut in line. I read lots of interesting things on the wall and had to tell my son not to ask me what some of those things said (do people bring permanent markers to the amusement park? They must!). I've seen things I've never seen before, too numerous to mention, from hair styles to clothes, it really brings out ALL kinds.
All in all, we had a great time, made plenty of line and ride friends, and enjoyed ourselves! Until...I slipped in puke and fell. Thankfully, I was uninjured, but when I fell and turned around, stunned, trying to figure out what made me fall, and when I realized it was puke, I was sooooooooooooooo grossed out!!!!!!! We went to the bathroom, where my son said "You slipped in dog puke" and I said "There's no dogs at Adventureland" and he said, "Hot dog puke, mom!"
All in all, we had a great time, made plenty of line and ride friends, and enjoyed ourselves! Until...I slipped in puke and fell. Thankfully, I was uninjured, but when I fell and turned around, stunned, trying to figure out what made me fall, and when I realized it was puke, I was sooooooooooooooo grossed out!!!!!!! We went to the bathroom, where my son said "You slipped in dog puke" and I said "There's no dogs at Adventureland" and he said, "Hot dog puke, mom!"
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
The year 2022 is fast approaching!! Are you ready?
As I was opening a pack of batteries last night (for my son's stupid bath toy that I cut my finger on three times--to which he said, I'll rub it, but I'm not kissing your bloody finger) it said use before 2022. That's 15 years from now, for you non-math majors. I started to think, huh, 15 years from now, what will I be doing?
First of all, my son will be 21. I'm pretty sure we'll use the batteries by then. If not now, at least when he's in college, right? Probably by then, batteries will have gone the way of the dinosaur, just like we should have flying cars by now.
What does the next 15 years hold for me? Well my house won't be paid off, that's a pleasant thought. Maybe I'll be married. Maybe I'll have adopted international children like Brangelina. Maybe I'll finally learn french and spanish. Maybe I'll be the person who TiVO's and watches the most shows and I'll earn my much coveted spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. Maybe I'll still be doing everything the same.
My GF's and I talked about making a top 10 things to do before we die list, I think I'll do it to ensure that things aren't the same. Off the top of my head, in no particular order, a few from my top ten:
1) Travel Europe extensively (Amsterdam, London, Paris, Venice...)
2) Take my son to Disney World (totally attainable within the next few years--good for motivation to check things off).
3) Take a vacay with my mom, sister, and aunt. We've talked about it, but it's time to shit or get off the pot.
4) Learn a foreign language.
5) See as many concerts as possible (Jovi, JT, John Mayer---pretty much anything that starts with J).
The list will continue...it's hard!
First of all, my son will be 21. I'm pretty sure we'll use the batteries by then. If not now, at least when he's in college, right? Probably by then, batteries will have gone the way of the dinosaur, just like we should have flying cars by now.
What does the next 15 years hold for me? Well my house won't be paid off, that's a pleasant thought. Maybe I'll be married. Maybe I'll have adopted international children like Brangelina. Maybe I'll finally learn french and spanish. Maybe I'll be the person who TiVO's and watches the most shows and I'll earn my much coveted spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. Maybe I'll still be doing everything the same.
My GF's and I talked about making a top 10 things to do before we die list, I think I'll do it to ensure that things aren't the same. Off the top of my head, in no particular order, a few from my top ten:
1) Travel Europe extensively (Amsterdam, London, Paris, Venice...)
2) Take my son to Disney World (totally attainable within the next few years--good for motivation to check things off).
3) Take a vacay with my mom, sister, and aunt. We've talked about it, but it's time to shit or get off the pot.
4) Learn a foreign language.
5) See as many concerts as possible (Jovi, JT, John Mayer---pretty much anything that starts with J).
The list will continue...it's hard!
Monday, August 13, 2007
It's not just me!!!
I received this story from my Aunt Deb of Perryville, MO.
Malodorous
Malodorous. When I came home Saturday night after working at the bingo hall at the Seminary Picnic in 90+ degree heat for three hours I was malodorous. You know what I mean?
Malodorous comes from the Latin mal- or malus meaning bad and the Anglo-French word odur which derived from the Latin olere meaning to smell. So there you have it—to smell bad. And I did.
I went down to the basement to strip off my sopping, stinky clothes to put them in the washer. In the quiet I heard a “scritch, scritch, scritching” sound from the dryer. That was most peculiar. I’d been gone for a couple of days and I knew, as God is my witness, that it hadn’t been used.
Then it hit me. I wasn’t the only malodorous thing in the room. Whatever was in the dryer smelled even worse than I did. And I had a pretty good idea what it was.
I opened the door just a wee crack and confirmed my suspicions when I saw little eyes and a flash of white on black. Whew! Pepe Le Pew. He hadn’t detonated, but the skunk stunk.
I eased the door closed, not wanting to trigger any fragrant discharge, when the absurdity of the situation convulsed me in howls of laughter. There we were, me in my birthday suit and the skunk in the dryer—not a pretty sight and not a pretty situation.
I headed upstairs to the shower, which was all I could focus on at the moment, and in passing suggested to John, choking on laughter, that he might want to call the police to get some ideas what we could do. I think he thought I was nuts; there I was, cackling like a madwoman because we had a potential stink bomb trapped in an appliance.
Oh, did I mention it was the weekend? Well, the dispatcher informed us of what we already knew. Police animal control specialist Bill Buerck was not on duty. But the dispatcher did empathize with us so she called him at home. God bless her.
In the meantime I showered and mulled the situation over while sluicing the dust and dirt down the drain. I had a couple of plans, one pretty stupid one and one fairly sane approach. I ran them past John and then called our neighbors, my boss and the cop, Kate and Joe Martin.
I knew Kate would never forgive me if I didn’t share this hysterical situation with her while it unfolded. Her sense of humor is even more skewed than mine. And I knew Joe would be the voice of reason and experience, and would come up with some ideas, all the while getting a huge charge out of our predicament. I was right on all counts.
They couldn’t pass up the chance to see this drama, and even as we were discussing our options, Bill Buerck called Joe to see what he could do to help. They all rode to the rescue like John Wayne and the cavalry.
I presented my stupid plan: I had an unopened bottle of ether left over from John’s late-father’s medical practice. My insane idea was to put some on a rag and slip it into the dryer. The potential hazards were numerous, including the premature discharge of that stinky stuff while the skunk went lights out. Eyes rolled. Nah, we weren’t going to do this.
The guys had a version of the same semi-sane plan both John and I had—unhook the dryer and cart it upstairs and out to the backyard, then open it up for the little stowaway to make his escape.
And that’s what they did, Bill cutting his hand on a sharp piece of metal in the process, earning the Perryville Purple Heart.
When Bill pulled out the rag he had stuffed in the vent pipe opening, eventually the skunk backed out, and was he ever cute. He was just a little guy to have raised such a ruckus, and he was kind of wobbly on his paws. Kate and I screeched and giggled, and I shot a couple of pictures of him.
He finally waddled around behind the garage after taking an initial course back toward the dryer. Our heroes moved the stinky dryer into the garage for later cleaning to remove just a small amount of residue.
There’s just a hint of Pepe Le Pew left today, but the dryer and all of us are definitely not malodorous. Just a word between us.
Glad to see that this kind of shit doesn't just happen to me! Very, very funny story and thanks to my Aunt Deb for sharing. What's that saying-the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?
Malodorous
Malodorous. When I came home Saturday night after working at the bingo hall at the Seminary Picnic in 90+ degree heat for three hours I was malodorous. You know what I mean?
Malodorous comes from the Latin mal- or malus meaning bad and the Anglo-French word odur which derived from the Latin olere meaning to smell. So there you have it—to smell bad. And I did.
I went down to the basement to strip off my sopping, stinky clothes to put them in the washer. In the quiet I heard a “scritch, scritch, scritching” sound from the dryer. That was most peculiar. I’d been gone for a couple of days and I knew, as God is my witness, that it hadn’t been used.
Then it hit me. I wasn’t the only malodorous thing in the room. Whatever was in the dryer smelled even worse than I did. And I had a pretty good idea what it was.
I opened the door just a wee crack and confirmed my suspicions when I saw little eyes and a flash of white on black. Whew! Pepe Le Pew. He hadn’t detonated, but the skunk stunk.
I eased the door closed, not wanting to trigger any fragrant discharge, when the absurdity of the situation convulsed me in howls of laughter. There we were, me in my birthday suit and the skunk in the dryer—not a pretty sight and not a pretty situation.
I headed upstairs to the shower, which was all I could focus on at the moment, and in passing suggested to John, choking on laughter, that he might want to call the police to get some ideas what we could do. I think he thought I was nuts; there I was, cackling like a madwoman because we had a potential stink bomb trapped in an appliance.
Oh, did I mention it was the weekend? Well, the dispatcher informed us of what we already knew. Police animal control specialist Bill Buerck was not on duty. But the dispatcher did empathize with us so she called him at home. God bless her.
In the meantime I showered and mulled the situation over while sluicing the dust and dirt down the drain. I had a couple of plans, one pretty stupid one and one fairly sane approach. I ran them past John and then called our neighbors, my boss and the cop, Kate and Joe Martin.
I knew Kate would never forgive me if I didn’t share this hysterical situation with her while it unfolded. Her sense of humor is even more skewed than mine. And I knew Joe would be the voice of reason and experience, and would come up with some ideas, all the while getting a huge charge out of our predicament. I was right on all counts.
They couldn’t pass up the chance to see this drama, and even as we were discussing our options, Bill Buerck called Joe to see what he could do to help. They all rode to the rescue like John Wayne and the cavalry.
I presented my stupid plan: I had an unopened bottle of ether left over from John’s late-father’s medical practice. My insane idea was to put some on a rag and slip it into the dryer. The potential hazards were numerous, including the premature discharge of that stinky stuff while the skunk went lights out. Eyes rolled. Nah, we weren’t going to do this.
The guys had a version of the same semi-sane plan both John and I had—unhook the dryer and cart it upstairs and out to the backyard, then open it up for the little stowaway to make his escape.
And that’s what they did, Bill cutting his hand on a sharp piece of metal in the process, earning the Perryville Purple Heart.
When Bill pulled out the rag he had stuffed in the vent pipe opening, eventually the skunk backed out, and was he ever cute. He was just a little guy to have raised such a ruckus, and he was kind of wobbly on his paws. Kate and I screeched and giggled, and I shot a couple of pictures of him.
He finally waddled around behind the garage after taking an initial course back toward the dryer. Our heroes moved the stinky dryer into the garage for later cleaning to remove just a small amount of residue.
There’s just a hint of Pepe Le Pew left today, but the dryer and all of us are definitely not malodorous. Just a word between us.
Glad to see that this kind of shit doesn't just happen to me! Very, very funny story and thanks to my Aunt Deb for sharing. What's that saying-the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Buicks and Oldsmobiles
I'm not judging, far be it for me, but Buicks and Oldsmobiles are THE SLOWEST CARS on the road. Keep an eye out, believe me, I'm right. Mostly old people drive them, so that's totally the reason, and Chevy Lumina's rank a close third with the elderly, so watch out for them. Consider this a public service!
Agree?
Agree?
Monday, August 6, 2007
I went out in high heels...
And didn't get hurt this weekend!!!!!! Can you believe it? I wore the shoes that I usually fall in, especially when walking on pavement, and I didn't fall! My friend Hannah and I were out and she was like "Be careful, don't fall" and sure enough, I didn't! But I was being extra careful, so props to me for realizing my weaknesses!
So while not falling this weekend, Hannah and I went to the casino and while I was off obtaining drinks, not really taking the Black Jack seriously, my new friend, whose name remains unknown, was betting the fortune thing on my behalf, and low and behold, when I got back, he said "We won!" and I was kind of distracted, so I said "great" half-heartedly until he pointed at the chips....we won like $250 or something!!! Of course we split it, but I was soooo excited! This probably would not have happened if I'd stayed at the table.
Anyway, I realized I'm in love with my new friend and I don't even know his name! Guess I have to go back to the casino!
Could the tides be turning for me? Perhaps?
So while not falling this weekend, Hannah and I went to the casino and while I was off obtaining drinks, not really taking the Black Jack seriously, my new friend, whose name remains unknown, was betting the fortune thing on my behalf, and low and behold, when I got back, he said "We won!" and I was kind of distracted, so I said "great" half-heartedly until he pointed at the chips....we won like $250 or something!!! Of course we split it, but I was soooo excited! This probably would not have happened if I'd stayed at the table.
Anyway, I realized I'm in love with my new friend and I don't even know his name! Guess I have to go back to the casino!
Could the tides be turning for me? Perhaps?
Thursday, August 2, 2007
I know...
Instead of finding my calling, I think I'll devote all of my free time to winning contests! Seriously, if I were to enter every contest I was offered, A. by the law of odds, I should win something, B. it would take up a lot of my free time.
Current contests I'm involved in include Subway Scrabble, Coke Rewards, and well...that's it for now. I'm sure BK or McD will have one soon. There's always something on the Internet.
Can't hurt!!
FYI, no new serious injuries to report and all of my pre-existing injuries have pretty much healed! I'm due, so I'm sure it won't be long until y'all can laugh at my misfortune :)
Current contests I'm involved in include Subway Scrabble, Coke Rewards, and well...that's it for now. I'm sure BK or McD will have one soon. There's always something on the Internet.
Can't hurt!!
FYI, no new serious injuries to report and all of my pre-existing injuries have pretty much healed! I'm due, so I'm sure it won't be long until y'all can laugh at my misfortune :)
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I should probably get my shit together
So today I was reading an old People magazine with some interesting info:
1) That Harry Potter boy has already made like 32 mil and he's just 21.
2) Charlie Sheen's fiance (a "real estate investor") is 29. BTW, Charlie Sheen is 41, kind of gross, just 'cause it's Charlie Sheen.
3) There is a book...can't remember the details...and the author is 29.
And other things I've discovered recently:
4) My friend Mere has a job where she could travel to Argentina, she's 29.
5) Pretty much all my friends are REALLY successful in their own right.
So what's my problem? How come I can't get my shit together?
I try to remember what I used to dream of doing, being a lawyer, an event planner...then I stall (except for wanting to be an astronaut, not very realistic). When did I stop dreaming? Probably when I got hit with the big fly swatter that is reality. I know being a single mom seems like an excuse, but it is my reality. Which means law school is 10x more difficult (yes I know it can be done, but I don't feel like it), and event planning requires a lot of weekends, which is kind of "our" time. So what's a girl to do? I think about writing, fiction, nonfiction, you name it....but no computer (not the worlds biggest obstacle, one I can perhaps overcome).
That being said....I'm 29. I should get my shit figured out. Apparently, it's not going to happen magically, as I had hoped. Any suggestions?
1) That Harry Potter boy has already made like 32 mil and he's just 21.
2) Charlie Sheen's fiance (a "real estate investor") is 29. BTW, Charlie Sheen is 41, kind of gross, just 'cause it's Charlie Sheen.
3) There is a book...can't remember the details...and the author is 29.
And other things I've discovered recently:
4) My friend Mere has a job where she could travel to Argentina, she's 29.
5) Pretty much all my friends are REALLY successful in their own right.
So what's my problem? How come I can't get my shit together?
I try to remember what I used to dream of doing, being a lawyer, an event planner...then I stall (except for wanting to be an astronaut, not very realistic). When did I stop dreaming? Probably when I got hit with the big fly swatter that is reality. I know being a single mom seems like an excuse, but it is my reality. Which means law school is 10x more difficult (yes I know it can be done, but I don't feel like it), and event planning requires a lot of weekends, which is kind of "our" time. So what's a girl to do? I think about writing, fiction, nonfiction, you name it....but no computer (not the worlds biggest obstacle, one I can perhaps overcome).
That being said....I'm 29. I should get my shit figured out. Apparently, it's not going to happen magically, as I had hoped. Any suggestions?
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